Two Date Maximum

218674_10150189005594153_6377810_oDating can be a bitch – especially around Valentine’s Day. It can also be like a comedy club with a two drink minimum. If you’re able to spot the red flags within one to two dates you’ll be able to save yourself a lot of grief and weed out the not-so potential suitors

Inspired by my favorite lyricist Alanis Morissette, I’ve compiled my list of “21 Things” men have done to ensure they won’t get a third date. In no particular order:

21. You cry on the first date. Yes, I went from being a date to being his therapist when he began to cry in his dinner. Anything that reminded him of his ex set him off; Lady Gaga, Kathy Griffin… napkins (the ex used to use them).

20.  You’re the same age as my father. It’s just uncomfortable. It’s not that I’m an ageist, it’s more so because the ones I’ve attempted to date, tended to have “issues” in the boudoir.

19.  You’re ex “just happens to show up” on our date.

18. You don’t have a personality &/or are socially awkward. It’s just too exhausting being the only one carrying the conversation.

17. You’re a pompous douche. If all you can do is talk about how many properties you own, what kind of car you drive and how many employees you have working for you, obviously you have nothing else going for you personality-wise. Not to mention it’s a huge turn-off.

16. You’re self-depreciating. Again, so exhausting. This generally means I’ll have to constantly stroke your lack of self-esteem. No, thanks.

15. You invite another date on our date and spend most of the night talking to that guy. Yes, a guy really did this. He invited me to meet him out to a show and I walked up to see him chatting up a fellow. Come to find out, he’s a guy that my date had also invited and was seeing as well. If that wasn’t bad enough, my date spent most of the night ogling the other guy and had the nerve to get mad when I left early. Good riddance!  

14. You’re not over your ex. Now, this may sound like number 21 but this bachelor was different. He constantly brought up his previous relationship, (which in itself is bad first date etiquette) reminiscing. At the end of the second date, when I mentioned sincerely  that maybe he wasn’t as over his ex as he was trying to portray and that they should try and reconcile, he went off on me. His response went something like this. “I feel our journey needs to come to an end. We don’t even know each other. How dare you assume that “we are not on the same page,” “looking for different things” or that I’m “trying to fill a void?!” Hmm, think I struck a nerve?

13. You talk bad about your ex. Again, opening the ex file so soon is generally frowned upon anyway.  But if you’re shredding your ex, it usually means A.) You’re still bitter about the break-up. B.) You don’t handle break-ups well and I’ll need to look over my shoulder if we don’t work out.

12.  You smell. Now, I’m not talking about body odor or anything like that (which yes, is a definite deal-breaker). I’m talking about straight up pheromones. I realized what an important role they play. I met a fellow and all the chemistry was there…except body chemistry. Whenever he would lean in to hug or kiss me, I would all but gag. And it wasn’t his fault. He showered and everything but his natural scent just came across to my senses as a wet sneeze or patchouli gone bad. Blech!

11. You ask my ex permission to date me. Just because I may have called him “daddy” in bed doesn’t mean he’s my father.

10. You keep trying to “figure me out.” I’m not a puzzle.

9. You’re not out. Does “the closet” still exist? If you’re not comfortable with your own sexuality, how is anyone else supposed to be?

8. You’re “too busy.” If you’re too busy to return a call, text or email, make plans, etc, don’t expect me to wait around. You’re obviously too busy to be dating. Two dates in three months is ludicrous.

7.  You have a fag hag. It’s not that I have anything against the straight ladies. However, the gay men I’ve come across with one can’t seem to do anything without their hag. For example, a certain protospouse, while on a date with me, constantly texted his best straight gal pal. What’s he doing; checking in?! Jump to later in the evening, we just “happened” to end up at a bar where she was. It was like I wasn’t even there. Then, on the second date (if you want to call it that),he made it a point to let me know that he couldn’t stay out late because of work in the morning. I respected that. But as soon as he got a text from the hag, he was at her beck and call. “We need to go meet her at this new bar!” he stated, jubilantly. Once at the locale, I felt like I was the third wheel on their date. Stick a fork in me, I’m done!

6. You lie to me. I’m fully aware that most gay men will sooner or later overlap- in relationships, bed fellows, or acquaintances. Just don’t lie to me about it. If we share an ex and I catch you in a lie about that and THIS soon, it doesn’t bode well for the future. “I forgot,” he explained. How do you forget dating someone for over a year?!

5.  You’re not in a stable place in your life. After years of friendship, a good friend and I finally decided to take our long-running flirtatious friendship to the next level. Unfortunately, the timing was off once again. He was going through some major life changes/turmoil. What this sounds like to me is that he is looking for a distraction and/or someone to make it all better. “I’m sorry but you don’t seem to be in a good place with yourself. I want you to be and feel like that enthusiastic, self-assured, content man I’ve known for years,” I stated sympathetically. He began unabashedly crying on my shoulder. Man, do I know how to bring men to tears or what?

4. You don’t dress to impress. Granted, this is open to interpretation but if you invite me to an upscale restaurant then show up wearing a hoodie and sneakers, we definitely have different ideas on what is appropriate attire.

3. You talk down to me. Just because you’re older doesn’t make you wiser.

2. You’re not single. Being “25% single” means you’re still 75% in a relationship, obviously non-committal…and a pig!

1.  You’re not interested in me. Now I realize this isn’t necessarily a fault but it still sucks. And you have to respect that they obviously have their own compatibility checklist, of which you didn’t match-up.

Erik Fact: It takes two dates at the most to figure out if two people make a connection and are compatible.