He’s Just Not That Into Me, Part 2: Drop Dead
Later that week, Bryant and I had our first date. When I arrived at his place, there was music reminiscent of Depeche Mode, one of my favorite bands, playing. I commented on how great it was.
“Oh,” he said a little embarrassed, rushing over to the CD player to turn it down. “That’s me.”
He’s modest and his voice is an aphrodisiac. Damn!
I almost jumped him then and there but managed to keep my composure. We headed out for a light dinner. Through the course of the evening, we had an amazing conversation – family, art, music (of which we were both passionate about), movie trivia – you name it. We seemed to truly connect. After dinner, he invited me back to his place to “watch a movie,” which we actually did. While watching the movie on his couch, he asked me to lie down with him.
I was a bit hesitant, but as I lay down, he spooned me. Afterwards, he asked me to spend the night. Hmm. He seems genuine and “says” he’s looking for a boyfriend. To wait or not to wait to have sex?
As I contemplated whether I’d be seen as a one-night stand or not, he kissed my neck. Crap! Ok, let’s do it!
Over the next few months, we saw each other maybe two or three times. I didn’t understand it at first, but I figured this is what “seeing” someone is supposed to be like.
Soon, I didn’t see him at all and the calls all but stopped. It was then I realized what was happening. It’s that age old story. You’ve gone out with a wonderful man and clicked like you’ve never clicked before, then you have sex – great sex, I might add. When you look at him, you see your entire future in his eyes. You envision a wedding cake, a three-bedroom house and a bedroom drawer full of fun sex toys. But then– surprise, surprise– you never hear from him again! Or maybe you do hear from him, but only once or twice a month, just enough to make you mad.
Sure this guy tells you he’s into you, and you have an incredible time when you’re together, but then he kisses you goodbye without mentioning a word of when you’ll ever see him again. You tell yourself that he’s sincere but that he must be really busy at work or any one of a hundred other excuses to rationalize why he’s not making you a priority. The sad truth is that if you have to rationalize his feelings toward you, then he just doesn’t care about you the way you’d like him to.
I thought as we got older, we were supposed to get wiser about what men to pick, where to meet them. Or is our single status a neon sign that shows we didn’t get it right?
I decided not to put my emotions, energy and stress into it, so I simply wrote him off as yet another “un-special guy.” Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel good, not like you’re in a constant state of uneasiness.
Another month or so after writing Bryant off, I was sitting home on an un-noteworthy weeknight with a cosmo and a movie – which oddly enough was How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – when I received a random call from him.
I kept the conversation casual and avoided any talk of “us.” He seemed devastated and asked to see me later that week. I fought the instinct to be flattered that he went to all the trouble of picking up a phone and dialing my number. I had to stop being so self-destructive as to believe that the reason he didn’t call when he said he would is because he’s playing hard to get. I finally opened my eyes and really listened to what he was saying. He was telling me that he’s not a dependable guy.
I don’t know if it was the fact that I was starting to fall for his excuses again or the cocktails I had been drinking that night, but a surge of empowerment came over me, like I was in that Ike and Tina movie. He was surprised at first but then he threw a curve ball at me when he began telling me about his strong feelings for me. I felt myself conceding.
“What the hell?!” I questioned agitated. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I guess I figured that you didn’t feel the same way.”
I had enough. I wasn’t about to get caught in another round of “Emotional Tag.” Why are some people scared to ever tell each other how they feel? But then we get scared that we might lose them and we spill our emotions. It seems that a large part of our aloofness is disguised fear. It’s dread of rejection, responsibility and most importantly, the unknown. We don’t know how to act so we behave disdainfully above the situation.
Erik Fact: Being coy is not “mysterious”—it’s indecipherable and intolerable—and no one sincere will undertake the perceived challenge.