Tenuta brings her unique wit and accordion to Orlando

Judy Tenuta, the self described “Love Goddess” and “Aphrodite of the accordion” is appropriately considered “outrageous, mind blowing comedy.” She recently became an ordained minister has been a strong advocate for gays and issues related to children and women. The high-spirited feminist preaches that all we should all be worshiped as “Love Goddesses.”

She has made over a hundred guest appearances on TV shows such as The View, Late Night With David Letterman, Larry King Live and Dr. Katz. Some of Judy’s more recent performing roles include that of an ex show girl turned wedding chaplain on General Hospital, a featured role in the teen comedy hit Material Girls starring Hillary and Haley Duff and she also produced and starred in Desperation Boulevard, a film about a former child star who stops at nothing to make a comeback. Judy will soon appear in the indie film, Sister Mary alongside Bruce Villanche and has just completed filming Going Down in La-La Land, a candid comedy about what it takes to be an aspiring actor in Hollywood, based on the novel by Andy Zeffer.

Before performing a one-night-only show, “Love Bites,” Saturday, May 28 at Parliament House in Orlando, I chatted with the unconventional and unparalleled comedienne  from her Hollywood home:

ERIK RAYMOND: So, tell me about the show you’re doing here Memorial Day Weekend.
JUDY TENUTA: It’s going to be a big, fat celebration of Judyism! I’m Judy and I have my own religion. I just want everyone to come out, forget about their problems and think about mine for a change. It’s going to be a lot of fun. How far away is this special place I’m going to be performing at from Disney World?

Probably only 20 minutes.
Nice. I love it there! I can’t wait. To be honest with you, I love being with gay men because we go shopping and have fun and all that good stuff. So, I hope some gay men will take me shopping when I get there and then get to go to Disney World! Just for one thing; not…”It’s a Small World.” I’ll scream. I want to go with the gays! I fly in Friday and that’s the day I want to go to Disney World with my gays!

It’s been awhile since I was in Orlando. I have an accordion at the House of Blues there. Or at least it was there. I’ll have to go check and make sure it’s still there. You never know. Maybe someone liked it and took it.

As far as the show, I venture to say that most of the audience will be gay men?

Oh, yes.
I love that! Well, of course we’re going to have to have a fashion show! I just did a big show here in L.A. I invited all my gays. I expected them to be all dressed up and they showed up in t-shirts! I was like, “wait a minute! I thought you guys were going to be giving me fashion advice?” At least I looked really great. I had on a much nicer dress.

Speaking of, let’s talk about that ugly, crappy, simple cloth Kate Middleton was wearing.

It was actually Alexander McQueen.
There’s not a gay man alive with any sense of fashion that would’ve said, “Oh, yea. You look great!” NO!

True. And it was actually a woman from the Haus of McQueen that designed it.
I would’ve told her, “Excuse me. You’re marrying the richest most influential Will in the world. So, why would you get your Ready-to-Wear at Goodwill?” She needed a gay man! Big mistake. Last night, there was the MET Ball in New York. Beyonce looked flawless. Her outfit was to-die. She looked like a Queen. The commentators were asking all the celebrities, like Madonna what they thought of Kate Middleton’s dress. You could tell they were trying to be nice because they wanted to be able do their shows in England, hello? They all answered the same. “Oh, it was quite um, elegant.” I also heard “old-fashioned,” code for “It sucked!” It was boring! I mean, they have a royal wedding there, what, every 30 years and she couldn’t step it up? I mean, come on! You know it’s bad when the Queen in her Big Bird outfit, outshines you.

Are you sure that was the Queen and not Sir Elton John?
[Laughs] They’re one in the same. But Elton John wasn’t wearing a Big Bird outfit.

No, he was wearing a big purple one like Grimace.
He looked sweet with his partner. He was actually inconspicuous. He’s definitely tapered down his look in the last 10 years or so. We still love him.

Speaking of celebrity gossip, who’s your latest guilty pleasure celebrity train wreck?
I’m over Charlie Sheen. He’s a nut job. Another one that bugs me is Lindsey Blow-han. That bitch is making the residents here in L.A. pay for every time she’s arrested or in court. We’re paying for that bitches reality show! I’m a little bit concerned for is Paris Hilton. She keeps getting stalkers and she’s not even famous anymore. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to Katy Perry.

Maybe she’s taking a page out of your movie, “Desperation Boluevard” and hired the stalkers herself.
[Laughs] Oh, my God! She did! You know, I should take my own advice.

Maybe she’ll try lesbianism next, like your character in the movie?
Well, the media did try to portray her and Nicole Richie like that when they were doing that reality show. It seems like women in the straight world are encouraged to sleep together and touch each other’s boobs. There’s a saying here in L.A. that “there’s a two-silicone minimum.” I have girlfriends that are always saying, “Look at my new boobs. Look at my girls. Touch ’em.” I look at them and go, “Do I have to?” They love it. It’s like they’re putting on a special show.

See, women can get away with that. You never see a straight guy that just got a penile implant asking his straight buddy to touch it.
It’s perfectly normal for women to act like lesbians and not get judged for it.

What’s that about? Women can even sleep together and still claim to be straight. With men, once you go back door, you can’t really go back.
Let’s face it though. If they’re doing that, they really are gay, honey!

And what do you think of the Femme Fatale herself, Britney?
I love Britney! Her songs are very catchy and fun. I feel bad for her and her romantic foibles. The thing is, when you have a great career like that, it’s very tough to find a great mate. But she produces great music and she’s got a very distinctive voice. I love artists with unique voices like, Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Rihanna.

Back in 2009, you talked about doing a reality show. What’s going on with that?
I’m working on it. I guess I have to get arrested or something.

Going back to weddings, are you going to be officiating any while you’re here?
Thank you for asking that. Yes, I’m definitely planning on it. I’d especially love to perform a gay wedding. What I find amazing about gay marriages is that they’re legal in places you wouldn’t expect, like Maine. Who wants to go there? Like we want to go shoot a moose and suck on syrup.

Weddings have been performed at Parliament House. They have a beach where they’ve done numerous gay weddings.
I’m going to have to look it up. I can’t wait. Do you have a special someone or are you on the hunt?

I’m on the hunt for a “love pig.”[Laughs]
Oh, let’s go then! [Laughs] We always have to be on the hunt. There’s one thing I don’t understand about gay men. Why do they always want to stay close after they break-up?

I hate that.
I hate that. It’s funny, I had a guy cheat on me that I was living with for a long time. After, he meant shit to me. It’s like, “hello, excuse me pig? You don’t get to call me up and talk to me about everyday things. No, that’s over bitch.”

I always say, “it’s over, you need to not exist now.”
[Laughs] Thank you. As I said, I don’t get how gay men and women have this “friendship” with their exes. You must get hurt feelings about it, especially if you’re living together and they’re like, “Yea, Todd and I were together for five years but now he’s in the other room with his new boyfriend.” Hello! I’m sick of hearing, “well, he’s just staying with me until he gets back on his feet.” Kick him to the curb! Am I right?

Absolutely! I actually ended a four year relationship last August. When it was done, I moved out. I was like, “peace out. You can have the house. I care about my sanity more than a house.”
You mean you guys bought a house together?

Yea, we were engaged and everything but he cheated on me.
You found out he was cheating and you just let him have the house?

Since the real estate market down here sucks right now, we tried living together as roommates. That just doesn’t work. It turned into War of the Roses. I had to tell myself that I cared about me more than the money I could make on the house. So, I just signed it over to him.
Wow, honey. You’re a giver.

It’s just money. I needed to move on.
Didn’t you go broke from that?

Nah, I backed up a truck to the house and cleaned it out when I left.
Oh, I love it!

I said he could have the house but everything in it is mine.
Love that story!

My mom taught me well.
I think he should’ve at least given you a couple grand.

Yea. He’s also one of those that I can’t get away from. We know all the same people, we go to the same places, etc. I found it pays to be cordial rather than bitter.
Hopefully, when you see him, you hear that song from [The All-American Rejects] in your head. [Sings] “When you see my face, I hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.” I know that’s what I sing. I love that song. But that’s too bad. I wouldn’t have let the pig walk away with anything. Good for you. You’re a special person. I don’t know anyone that would just say, “you can have the house. I’ll leave.”

[Laughs] Well, it wasn’t that black and white but I was just sick of fighting and it was over. I didn’t need nor want to fight anymore.
You have a good point there. Good for you!

Are you currently single as well?
I do have a fudgesicle. The Goddess needs to be, you know, served. There has to be someone there to massage my feet.

As a “love goddess,” what is the best relationship advice you can offer?
My relationship advice? You have to act like a “love goddess” to be treated like a “love goddess.” That doesn’t mean acting like a diva…But that could fun. [Laughs] Like I always say, if you want your man to worship you like a love goddess, you better act like a Ferrari. Make a lot of noise and only start when he pumps a lot of money into you!

I have a fun fact for you.
I love fun facts!

You see, I grew up in Burbank, Il, which is right next to Oaklawn.
Oh, I know Oaklawn! I grew up in Oak Park, IL; the South Side.

I was told you used to perform at Barrel of Laughs Comedy Club in Oaklawn.

My mom said she used to go every weekend and sit in the front row and you would call out her boyfriend at the time because of his gym shoes or something.
[Laughs]Oh, my God! That’s when I was first starting out. I was just a baby then. By “baby” I mean early 20’s. You probably weren’t even born yet.

Well, I was a kid then. I’m 28 now.
Oh, my God. I wish I was 28. That’s a great age. [Laughs] Oaklawn? As I recall, it was very conservative. I mean, it must be difficult to be gay there, wouldn’t it?

Well, yea. It’s very Republican and Catholic where I grew up.
Meanwhile, Catholics should be more understanding of being gay because hello, the priests wear dresses. The Pope and the priests are wearing dresses. Not only that, but priests like to date…boys! Well they don’t really “date” them. They don’t take ’em out for dinner or anything.

Yea, I got gypped. My priest never took me out to dinner. [Laughs]
Oh. I hope you didn’t have an unfortunate experience.

No, no. Thank goodness.
I grew up Catholic, too. And I talked to my brothers after all of these [priest scandals] happened. When I was a kid and even just 25 years ago when you were a kid, people never talked about this kind of stuff. Now, you hear about it like every other day. Like in Boston, I guess another Cardinal came out. They report it as, “he’s been having “inappropriate minglings” with altar boys.” Anyway, when I asked my brothers if anything had happened to them, they said, “No, Father Shanky McBlowfish never did anything. He was senile.” We were lucky. We had a senile priest. [Laughs] He couldn’t do anything. He just yelled at everyone ’cause he was cranky. I like that. At least when they’re old and crazy, you can run away from them. [Laughs]

They might trip on their dress. [Laughs]
They would! I was always jealous because those altar boys got to be up there pouring the wine and all that stuff. But then I find out you had to deal with the priests yelling at you, so I realized it wasn’t so glamorous.

Who knew that most of those altar boys were just in training to be future gay bartenders?
There you go! [Laughs]

You’re obviously very vocal about your politics. You’ve even done a skit where you’re a dead-ringer for Sarah Palin.
Good for those Navy Seals. Good for our men and women in uniform. I’m glad we got Bin Laden and all but there’s a lot more pigs out there. I’m glad we passed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. That was ridiculous. Anybody that puts their life up for others and is out there on the front lines, it shouldn’t matter who you’re having sex with. The next thing is legalizing gay marriage. A lot of my gay guy friends want to get married. It’s so funny because my straight friends and I are like, “Oh, my God. Don’t do it.” I mean, what if you get divorced? Then, you’re stuck paying alimony. [Laughs] I understand that there are rights that come along with that. I believe as long you love each other, you should be able to marry whoever you want.

You clearly have an affinity for your gay fans. You’re a very outspoken advocate for gay rights.
Of course! I love gay men and women! They’ve always supported me. I want everyone to be treated equally.



More info:
Who: Judy Tenuta
Where: Parliament House
When: Saturday, May 28, 8pm
Tickets: www.wanzie.com/boxoffice



Originally published by Watermark Media, Inc.